To my friend who killed herself

  Dear girl, 

I woke up this morning to find you pasted like wallpaper on Facebook wall.  No one could believe it, no one wanted to be true.  I felt heartbroken, as did they.  The words “gone” and “taken to soon” thrown about and filled with emotion.  

I had feeling to call you yesterday.  I knew I should have. I now know that I really needed to. Now, it is too late.  

I knew you were sad, lonely, lost. I knew you were trying to navigate a new world in a new bright light you weren’t used to.  I assumed you were doing ok, I fell into your trap of happy posts and strong words.  You weren’t.  

If I could have I would have been there, called you, texted you all day, if I had only known.  I would have made the 9 hour trip to save a life burning so bright.  I would have told you how you had so much to live for.  Your future, your dogs, your niece.  I would have reminded you you weren’t even 21 yet.  Drinking legally should be a goal.  I would have reminded you you wanted to have a house, decorated country style, with a farm full of Boer goats.  I would have told you that we had a lot of learning to can and be self sufficient to do.  But I can’t now, and I feel horrible.  

I wish you had seen the strength you had.  You left someone you loved with all your heart because you knew what was happening was bad and toxic, and couldn’t be changed. You did that.  You made the decision to move on with your life, and I knew you were going to go far, be ok.  But I was wrong. 

I wish I could say one last thing to you, my friend.  But I can’t and I can only think that I will miss you, and I am sorry I didn’t call.  

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